2.05.2004
Well... here I sit. I am at work - again - and am doing nothing but simply trying to stay awake. it is amazing how quickly the tide can turn, how thin the line is between tolerating and being ambivalent (as close as I think I will ever get to liking a job) about a job and hating it. I started my job working first shift days, 5 days a week, 8 - 5 or so. Got into the groove, found some projects to work on that occupied my time nicely. Now I am working 12 hour shifts from 6pm-6am. Yeah, that's right. The night shift.
It is 11:15 and I am beginning to feel the beginnings of tiredness. Normally I would be going to bed at this time, but now I am not even half way done with my shift.
I was doing a lot of programming, but now I feel prevented from it. I show up to work tired. I can't maintain the necessary mindset for programming, and just end up staring at the screen. And there is nothing else for me to be doing. I really do end up just trying to stay awake. The process runs like a top, and when it doesn't there are tons of people around who are better qualified than I to fix it. I really am useless.
I have 3 options:
1) knuckle under and take one for the team. Put up and shut up. This is my most typical response. It just turns the next 5 months into a prison sentence, and I get to absolutely loathe myself and my circumstances.
2)Try to convince them that I was more productive on days (I was) and that I was doing things that were more important than what I am doing now (I was) and that they got more bang for their buck by having me there (they did). Ergo, I should move back to days, possibly with being on call for part of the night, or checking in at parts of my shift. This is perhaps the most difficult option. It requires negotiating skills I lack, and they can simply say "no" which pushes me back to option 1) or on to:
3) Quit. It is a real possibility. I didn't realize I would hate it this much. 3am is absolute stupidity. 4 is madness. There are a lot of businsses around this area, perhaps I could find something near my apt. This is wishful thinking, but an option.
So... It used to be that I was interested in the projects that I was assigned to, that I was motivated to do a good job just for the good job's sake, but now.... I don't care if I ever accomplish another blessed thing for the rest of my contract. It is purely a function of the time that I have to be here. part of me thinks "well, you stayed up late on school projects... is this any different?" Yes, it is. I worked late at school because I was laboring under the thought that by doing this now, I was putting myself in a position to not do it later. That and I was freely able to go home at 12 or 1 or 3 or 4 if I wished, and I did. Here you have to stay whether you like it or not.
Night is for sleeping.
It is 11:15 and I am beginning to feel the beginnings of tiredness. Normally I would be going to bed at this time, but now I am not even half way done with my shift.
I was doing a lot of programming, but now I feel prevented from it. I show up to work tired. I can't maintain the necessary mindset for programming, and just end up staring at the screen. And there is nothing else for me to be doing. I really do end up just trying to stay awake. The process runs like a top, and when it doesn't there are tons of people around who are better qualified than I to fix it. I really am useless.
I have 3 options:
1) knuckle under and take one for the team. Put up and shut up. This is my most typical response. It just turns the next 5 months into a prison sentence, and I get to absolutely loathe myself and my circumstances.
2)Try to convince them that I was more productive on days (I was) and that I was doing things that were more important than what I am doing now (I was) and that they got more bang for their buck by having me there (they did). Ergo, I should move back to days, possibly with being on call for part of the night, or checking in at parts of my shift. This is perhaps the most difficult option. It requires negotiating skills I lack, and they can simply say "no" which pushes me back to option 1) or on to:
3) Quit. It is a real possibility. I didn't realize I would hate it this much. 3am is absolute stupidity. 4 is madness. There are a lot of businsses around this area, perhaps I could find something near my apt. This is wishful thinking, but an option.
So... It used to be that I was interested in the projects that I was assigned to, that I was motivated to do a good job just for the good job's sake, but now.... I don't care if I ever accomplish another blessed thing for the rest of my contract. It is purely a function of the time that I have to be here. part of me thinks "well, you stayed up late on school projects... is this any different?" Yes, it is. I worked late at school because I was laboring under the thought that by doing this now, I was putting myself in a position to not do it later. That and I was freely able to go home at 12 or 1 or 3 or 4 if I wished, and I did. Here you have to stay whether you like it or not.
Night is for sleeping.
< 23:28 >< /j >
